Little Debbie of Death

February 14, 2007


be my valentine
(with eight twin-wrapped cakes
of corn syrup
processed sugar
processed flour
interesterified palm oil
partially hydrogenated
cottonseed oil
propylene glycol
polysorbate 60
red 40
twenty three other ingredients –
all for $1.05 )

I will love you forever
(with 3 grams of
artery clogging
surgery producing
medicine funding
saturated fat
per tiny tasteless cake)

you are my sweetheart
(with 26 grams
of system shocking
limb losing
rehab needing
insulin breeding
heart pumping sugar
per two cake “serving”)

One week later…

November 29, 2006

I turn the can
of Planters Mixed Nuts
peering into a greasy
kaleidoscope –

not a cashew
to be found

only Jordans,
Filberts, and Peas
in my disdain.

They are all
that remain

of the feast.

Ask Mister Helpful

July 5, 2006


Dear Mister Helpful,

I love to eat at McDonalds because it is cool and the food is really really good. But every time I eat there I feel sick about 45 minutes later. What should I do?

Signed, Nauseous in Nashua


Dear Nauseous,

Try eating 45 minutes earlier.

I’m lovin’ it,

Mr. H.